> hey brother, hope all is well with you eh, and tour was wonderful.
hello to you as well brother. was that a question? tours have been great. much better than working all the time but at least i get to sleep in my own bed with my own special lil lady friend. were you prompting me to tell all sorts of sordid and compromising stories of our tour mates since the beginning of the year? well sure, ok, let’s see…this past year we toured with Goatwhore, Baptized In Blood, Shadows Fall, Howl, Javelina, Black Cobra, Priestess (<3), Abrupt, High on Fire and some kids called Helmet. we also played at SXSW and the Sled Island festival in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. lot’s of fun things happened including the intake of a lot of alcohol and other things…like “food” and “vitamin water”. of all of those bands and us had lots of exciting happenings. for example: some exciting things were the near severing of a couple digits (including one pecker, one finger and the threat of a dread or two), dating Robin Tunney (from “Encino Man”, “Vertical Limit”, “Craft”, “Vertical Limit” fame!) a couple close calls with the police (including being taken down at gun point in SF because someone in our band kicked a TV in the street) and the sampling of some of the ‘finest product’ i’ve ever encountered from southern Texas…HOT SAUCE, that is! (what were you expecting? enchiladas?).
wait, that wasn’t a question was it? you were just saying hi, right? disregard my previous statements.
…HEY BUDDY! how’ve you’ve been’ve?
> thanks for that weirdo rant. let’s see how you do on the next one. how do we know eachother?
i honestly can’t remember when we met because it’s like we’ve just always known each other. we were birthed on the same day (MARCH 13 4EVS!) from the same vagina but different ladies. we also share our special day with my bud Brady (the lovely curmudgeon TM for HoF) and some other dinks like Emile Hirsch, Adam Clayton from U2 (ugh) and some astronomer nerds. oh yea and Neil Sedaka! he rules even though he didn’t write Battlefield Earth….but not nearly as hard as WILLIAM H. fucking MACY who also has the same birthday.
we play in the same band but on different sides of the country. my side has way more asians, east indians and junkies but your side has way more frenchies and jugglers on PCP (which is ironic because i am french, love juggling and am on PCP!). our bands both start with the letter ‘B’ and are signed to the same record label, have four members each and don’t fit in anywhere. FUN!
you and i both have long hair and beards. we also like to drink and party but often get the ‘fear’ and cry. whenever we hang out we party and talk about crying and how much we love each other.
it’s weird because i distinctly remember the first time i met Kevin. it was in Royston (Vancouver Island) at a show we put on in, like, 1996 with Kronomere (featuring Jamie Hooper of 3IOB fame and some dudes from a crazy Victoria sXe band called Hiroshima 8:16) and an awesome posi-core Seattle band called Hangfire Disaster. my lesbian friends and band mates thought he was a girl and had a crush on him but i disagreed. eventually i was vindicated when he grew 4 feet and got some sick chops and lil side burns.
…what was i talking about? i’m wasted. right…i don’t remember when you and i met. we were probably wasted.
> yea that sounds about right. how would any homo sapien know of you?
15 years ago i could’ve confidently answered that i met most people i knew (know) through my zines or mail-ordering 7 inched records. now i guess it’s probably from my band. google image my name and i don’t even come up on the first 60 pages. Jeff Healey, Ron Wood and evenEngland Dan and John (!) come up but not me…add my band name to that search and i’m the second picture so go figure. i no longer leave the house unless i’m going on tour or working so most sapes either know me from shows or movie sets.
> the current name you use is not your real name, and you have fooled many people into believing your name is “Dan And”. is it not true that your name originates from the name DANIEL? you liar.
my first name is actually Daniel. i made up the surname ‘And’ when i was a teen writing those aforementioned zines. my real last name is french and growing up no one could pronounce it properly (it’s ‘Rheault’ without an accent on the ‘e’ which makes it pronounced simply ‘Row’) and i’ve always hated it so gave myself a ‘punk name’. ‘And’ came from taking the first letter of my first name and putting it after the second and third letter like Mark Arm from Mudhoney. that is literally where i got the idea and somehow it stuck. blame grunge.
> if you were a Rage Against The Machine song, which one would it be and why?
wow, how to pick just ONE? i would either be “Renegades of Funk” or “the Ghost of Tom Joad”. the first because i absolutely LOVE funk metal and get an endless amount of brutal and vocal criticism because of it. seriously…Faith No More, 24-7 Spyz, Living Color, Fishbone, (early) Chilis, LAPD (pre-Korn!)…you name it. i’d take Infectious Grooves over Suicidal Tendencies ANY day. one day my dream band called Funkle Slam will carry the torch and flag for the funk metal revival of the next chunk of the 2Ks.
the second because Bruce rules even when he kinda sucks.
i would also pick “No Spiritual Surrender” by Zach’s former hXc band Inside Out just cuz it’s awesome 90’s socio-political chuga-chuga goodness. back when going ‘chuga-chuga’ and ‘jud-jud-jud-jud’ in a song actually meant something.
> way to up your punk cred by mentioning Inside out. they do rip though. my brother’s old straight edge band used to cover that song. true story. ha.
> i hear you wear underwear sometimes. how big was the biggest skidmark you ever left in your undies? (pooping your pants does not count, though it is hilarious)
unless i just got out of the shower i ALWAYS wear underwear. i stick to briefs purely for comfort reasons. i’ve tried most styles but briefs have always been my jam. i tend towards darker colours so skid marks have never really been an issue. the main problem i encounter is holes due to keeping pairs in active rotation for too long and discoloration from my disgusting nut sack. as long as i can remember i have avoided changing my underwear as much as i avoid bathing and i guess that really takes it’s toll on them. i just don’t even think of it. there are days when i will catch a wiff at somewhere like work or in a clothing store and think “holy shit, has it really been THAT long? i am fucking grossing myself out! how in the hell do i manage to keep the amazing life partner i have when my nuts and pecker smell the way they do?! she must be nose deaf!”.
i wipe my ass extensively so i don’t worry much about shit stains unless it’s brutally hot and my band has been on the road for a while. i know you guys swear by baby wipes but i always forget about them and rely only on baby powder and thorough dry ass wiping.
amazingly i have neither pissed nor shit myself as an adult, despite even the amount of times i have been so completely fucked out of my head that i didn’t even know where i was. my bowels are basically completely fucked from how i live and what i put into myself and i am notorious for taking epic, endless and violent shits yet somehow i remain the master of my butthole. the closest i have come to defecating in my pants was actually when our bands were playing together in Whistler at the end of our tour with Priestess last year. somehow Kevin and i both managed to get some brutal stomach bug and were stricken with severe diarrhea. the entire night he and i were pissing razors out of our asses and had to try to time our rectal explosions with our sets. i remember i turned half way through our set and shook my head at you to try and express how sick i felt and how hard it was for me to keep playing in my weakened condition. you mouthed something which i couldn’t understand until afterwards when you told me you had been asking me if i needed a baby wipe because you thought i had shit my pants while we were playing. once we got home i was cursed to the toilet for a week and even had to pass on a guestlist spot for a Metallica show. i felt bad until i heard that Kevin got worse as you guys toured back east…and when i realized that Metallica hadn’t been good since 1989.
> what rules more: lazarus AD, or smelling farts?
smelling Lazarus AD’s farts…unless we’re talking any fart that took place in our old van. those farts will always have a certain familiarity and hold a special place in my heart. the smell of that van will never be duplicated and our new fancy van is so air tight that it makes our farts smell 100 times worse than they did when they were mixed with the overall disgusting odour that existed in the Blue Bitch. it was a stench that can exist only in a band van that has been host for years and years of chain smoking drunks and their nefarious extracurricular activities.
> everyone has heard of the crazy canucks (legendary canadian ski team). they were known for taking all kinds of ridiculous chances and defying all odds. what is your take on this years Vancouver Canucks squad, and do you think they will take necessary chances and defy all the odds that are stacked against them?
no real opinion here. i’m a fair weather hockey fan. i enjoy watching games here and there but don’t follow stats or trades or any of that. my brain is far too occupied learning useless movie and music trivia to bother memorizing stats and ukranian names. the Canucks suck anyway. they will never be the Habs of the early 90’s or the Nordiques, them and the Hawks were my teams as a kid. i guess i always dug the goalie cuz he was the odd man out. that’s probably why my favorite current hockey player is Kiprusoff. it doesn’t hurt that his helmet is a late 90’s Metallica shirt and he parties harder than the Eagles either…he’s a sack of shit like no other.
> yea goalies rule. ed belfour got pulled over by the cops once while he was driving drunk. he tried to bribe the officer by offering him a billion dollars. class act.
> how vegan are you?
not even close anymore. i used to be years ago when i was still straight edge but that too fell by the way side once i moved away from home and realized that life outside of high school was still shitty. my slide away from veganism started when i became so obsessed with political correctness that i actually considered no longer using pens because the ink was allegedly processed using bone char. it was at that point that i began to seriously re-evaluate my beliefs. the second shift came when i dropped out of high school and ran away from home and had to dumpster dive to survive. free bagels kept me alive for months and there was no way they were diary free. eventually my idealistic teen punk life fell apart and after downing a bunch of beers, a 2L of cider and half a mickey of wisers (remember i had been straight edge for years before that) i got myself the most delicious A&W teen burger i ever ate. i puked the whole mess up but that’s besides the point. Food Not Bombs food is disgusting anyway.
> which Tragically Hip record would you recommend? (do not ask james for help, that would be cheating)
my current Hip jam is ‘Trouble at the Henhouse’ but ‘Up To Here’ is always a safe bet. or ‘Phantom Power’. james isn’t the only one who digs hard on Canadian radio heavy weights.
> on a scale of 1-10, how jealous is carli of me? explain.
probably about a 0.5 cuz she’s just not that kind of girl. she accepts and understands the unspoken brotherhood between band dudes like no one i have ever met. we literally started dating the night of one of your shows here in Van so she is highly appreciative and loves you all like the match makers that you are. that’s not to say that we wouldn’t have come together without you but the circumstances surrounding that show and the following after party aligned the stars and allowed our long growing desires for each other to surface and progress in a perfectly organic way.
we also spend a lot of time nerding out over old Kelowna bands like the Blacklist so she’s biased. even though you aren’t from out here she sees the way i light up when you and i are together and she ‘gets it’.
> yea man you’re lucky. who, in your opinion, makes your happier: Brangelina or Bennifer?
neither. i pick Filliam H. Muffman. even though ‘Daredevil’ and ‘Mr. & Mrs. Smith’ were awesome each in their own right, could you imagine a crossover of ‘Desperate Housewives’ and ‘Fargo’?! the voice over would be in that amazing North Dakota accent.
individually speaking, i like Brad’s beards and ability to be self deprecating when necessary. i like that Angie was in ‘Hackers’ and her dad is Jon Voight. i like that Ben seems totally aware and ok with the fact that everyone hates him (see ‘Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back’) and he’s basically just Stimpy to Matt Damon’s Ren. i have no opinion of Jennifer Garner other than her dad is fucking ROCKFORD.
> what is your favourite band with the word “gwar” in it?
13th Gwar Elevators.
> thanks eh
fucks rights! no probs bud. sorry, i may have answered slightly longer than Dyball. see ya in a couple weeks. XO
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